The weekend is over and I can't tell you what at all happened because I slept the entire time. I wasn't aware that I was feeling so depressed that I'd stay in the bed for two days but apparently I was and still sort of am. I'm very put down by the stress of my ailments, my physical condition and appearance, and overall quality of life. I have been really putting an effort into keeping my spirits up and staying positive and spiritually cognizant. However, I'm just not feeling up to it. I'm very tired of waking up to unhappiness and stress. I'm in pain either physically or mentally and I feel strained, like now.
Depression really sucks every wishful or hopeful thought out of me. I know there is nothing that will happen today, tomorrow or the day after that will change that fact for me. Circumstances won't allow me to be happy. I guess the stars were never aligned just so in order for me to truly find everlasting happiness. Almost a lifetime of migraines and most certainly depression, now that I know what it is, how it feels, and what to call it. I was depressed and had very bad anxiety as a child. I always had a sense of melancholy which stayed with me throughout the years and it grew tough to manage through all of the uncertainty and confusion of it all. I was emotionally lost in a maze of frazzled peaks and valleys of which contained the many moods and obsessive patterns of random thoughts strung together by one common thread - migraines.
Everything always came back to the one constant in my life that has never faltered from it's controlling seat at the head of life's table. When this darkness gets a hold of me it's grip is firm and strong and is very difficult to break free of. I can say that the most difficult part of dealing with and finding your way through depression is coming to terms with it and allowing yourself to feel the feelings without the guilt eating you up from the inside out. It's taken me a very long time (about seven or eight years) to accept the journey for what it is - a journey. It's not the end nor the beginning but a section of the path that God has laid out as my destiny. This road I must travel and it's path is true and unchangeable. So I mustn't continue to fight the inevitable. I learned to go with it and let my feet guide me through the tumbleweeds and the pits and cracks until the path becomes smooth and clear again. It's okay. I'm okay.
Happy or not, I made it through and I'm still whole, still breathing, still living another day to appreciate my life in the form in which the Lord sought best for me to live it. So I was chosen to have four chronic conditions that put many limits on how much I can participate in this life but the gift is the abundance in strength, will power, determination and perserverance, and most of all trust. Trust that my Savior will not leave me alone to carry these burdens for they were never mine to carry alone. It may take me two days of never leaving the bed to get through those dark and shadowy moments, yet I come out of them with such clarity. And I must say that I appreciate it all because I'm better for it.
Slept Away
How to Help a Chronically Ill Friend or Family Member
I recently read a post on one of the chronic pain support groups that I'm a member of regarding how to help a person who needs chronic care. Now, the wonderful lady who posted this adapted this list to also include people with chronic pain, as we often find ourselves in need of chronic care, treatments, and may even require hospital stays. It can become very difficult to ask for help or we may not know how to ask or for what to ask of our friends and family when we are in need. I, myself, have been wanting to be able to push my pride aside and ask my neighbors and friends in my community for help or to make aware the reality of my life and the chronic pain that I am in. I hope that this serves as a neutral and non-confronting way of saying, "I know you would like to help and may not know what to do or how I can be helped. Here are some things that would truly make those very difficult and painful moments at lot easier to get through."
You do not need to spend a lot of money. You can be thoughtful in so many ways. The point is to do something, and do something today. Sometimes it is hard for a patient to ask for help. Just do it! The hardest thing about chronic disease is that it is chronic. I had a friend who had a really bad flu and she received flowers that very week. With me – since I am sick all the time… I get nothing. Am I any less sick, sad, frustrated, lonely, or bored. NO, I need your love and support now more than ever. When everyone else forgets that I am still in this struggle with my illness….. please remember. It didn’t go away, I didn’t forget. I need you to be my friend.
1. Buy nice pajamas appropriate for the illness and medical circumstance. For example, pajamas that are easy on/off for an older friend or someone who will need to expose portions of their bodies for treatments, whether they be injections, TENS or even soothing creams. I like nice soft pajamas as sometimes harsh materials can bother my already tender skin.
2. Rent or buy a portable DVD player with a selection of movies and headphones to use (when you wake up at all hours of the night or you can’t sleep.) I personally had this loaned to me and I loved it. It helped pass the time so much to get into a movie! If your friend has a DVD player, consider even loaning or renting a movie for them, we sometimes get sick of the same movies and nothing on TV. Even consider renting a movie and just watching it with us. It's true we aren't always up to chat but company is always a comfort.
3. Down pillows or any new pillows with fun pillow cases for comfort in the hospital or bed and to also cheer up your hospital room or bedroom at home. Hospital beds are horribly uncomfortable (even beds at home can become uncomfortable when you are in it long enough) and the same surroundings are very depressing. Just check what hospital rules are and make sure your friend isn't allergic in the case of down pillows.
4. Cute socks with rubberized/non skid bottoms, since you often have to get up and walk around, but don’t want to put slippers on. There are so many cute pairs which are very inexpensive.
5. Soothing music Cd’s, and something to play them on (portable like a small CD player, or an MP3 player works well).
6. Books on CD and a portable CD player and headphones. This works great, especially for patients with migraines or neurological issues, who might have trouble seeing the TV or reading a book. If not, a book they haven't read or even something you think might give them a few laughs.
7. Buy your loved one an Ipod or MP3 player and fill it with songs to make them happy. You can even make a “themed” tape. For example: songs for friends, songs to wake up to, etc.
8. Crossword puzzle/Soduku/ game magazines are great for kids and adults too.
9. Deck of cards. This is great for anyone. Trust me if you get lonely enough or can’t sleep, you can always play solitaire. Consider coming by for a game or two. It may bother you too see your friend or loved one hurt but think of how they feel. A game of cards or even a board game though trivial to you can give them a sense of normalcy. Something we crave more than you can ever imagine.
10. Hand held electronic games (gambling slots games, solitaire and blackjack are definite favorites. Although now a Nintendo DS and one of those brain games would be good or the old time favorite Tetris – if the budget allows).
11. Magazines that are personalized to the patients hobbies, tastes etc. Crafting books, politics, fashion etc. Even if you cut out a few articles you've come across that might interest them. Something you could discuss on a future visit.
12. Tube of unscented hand lotion and antibacterial lotion are two things that you can never have enough of. Lots of medications dry out the skin, so this is great. I also found baby wipes came in handy for quick freshen ups when I couldn’t hobble out to the bathroom.
13. Pretty diary or even a simple notebook with pens– really good for women (anyone really) to write down what is going on, keep track of Dr’s instructions, and use as a memory book, of sorts. Sometimes as a patient our memories are taxed by all the information that is thrown at us in the short visit by the Dr. It is easier to relay information to family if we have the info at our fingertips. To be honest it is easier for us to remember questions we have for Drs if we can write them down for the Drs next visit.
14. Ready-to-use craft kit, such as cross stitch kit, or a scrap booking kit. It is good to feel productive or creative even if you can’t leave bed.
15. 2 large packs of gum, 1 mint and 1 bubble (check with Dr., or family members if any snacks including candy should be sugar free, or any other dietary restrictions.
16. One friend brought me body spray and it touched me more than you could ever know. Some medications can cause you to sweat an awful odor while others just make it hard to feel very good about yourself. Sometimes just smelling good can boost the spirits.
17. A favorite food, if your friend or loved one is not restricted with a special diet. Bring the patient his or her favorite snack, or take-out from her favorite restaurant. Offer to create a special meal for them at home. Something they could re-heat when they needed. Offer to cook at their home if they are up for it. Being able to share your company while the smells permeat their home can be a treasure.
18. A box of pretty note cards and have them all be pre-stamped- this way the patient just has to write notes to whoever they want, and they have everything write there.
19. Offer to take your friend to doctor appointments. Sometimes when we are so focused on one area of our health, we can unintentionally neglect other areas. Offer to help your friend keep up with other routine appointments like dentists, eye exams, obgyn, or even a regular check up. Now is not the time to let other areas of health go.
20. Offer to do things for their apartment or house while they are sick or in the hospital. Do they need the mail taken in? Do they need some groceries bought so that their refrigerator is not bare when they get home?
21. If you can afford it, hire a cleaning service to come over for the day and do a really good cleaning on the house. This is a great gift for the first day home from the hospital, and also good for when the patient is home trying to get well and is staring at all the dust piling up, but may be too weak to clean. This will help put their mind at ease, but also it will make for a cleaner healthier environment.
22. If the patient has kids, offer to baby-sit. Even if it is taking the child(ren) out for as little as one hour, that will be a wonderful gift of an hour of peaceful rest. It will also put the parents mind at ease to know that their child is getting attention and activity when they might not be able to.
23. If you are not a good cook, send some gift cards to local restaurants or take out. The worst feeling is to be tired, but also in a financial pinch due to medical bills. This helps so much.
24. Send a card! It is so nice to get a “cheer up” or “thinking of you” card in the mail. Sometimes when people are home-bound the only thing they look forward to is the mail coming and when there is something nice in the mail box mixed in with bills and junk mail it will make the experience even better.
25. Offer to take care of pets, walk the dog! Pets feel it when their owners do not feel well, they need attention and love too.
26. When the patient feels up to it, offer to drive him or her to do something special, but short in timing. How about a manicure, or ice cream? Something quick enough to get out of the house, but not too long to be exhausting.
27. Send a care package. Get a box and fill it up with goodies. Remember how you felt at summer camp when you got a surprise package? It was so much fun to rip it open and see what was inside. Nothing has to be expensive, you can go to the dollar store and get fun little things. The idea is just to make the patient smile. Tip: I have always liked when people have written in a note “No thank you necessary.” I get a gift without the guilt of wanting to send a thank you note.
28. Send an email. Don’t wait for the right time. Don’t feel bad because you haven’t been in touch. It is always good to get a nice email. It is always refreshing to hear from old friends. Just start writing. If you want to make the email even better, just sign it “Reply when you can, no rush.” This way the receiver gets your well wishes without having to worry about a reply.
29. Happy nothing! Sometimes we only send our loved ones flowers or get well gifts when they are actually in the hospital or when things get particularly bad. But I think that makes the patient only feel love or attention when things are horrible. Do things really have to get that bad to be a good friend? If you love them today, show them today. If you can, send a bouquet of flowers just to brighten their day. There are so many gift delivery companies online that can send a wide variety of gifts. Every day is a struggle when battling a chronic condition, or going through lengthy medical treatments. Maybe you can make this day a bit better. Don’t wait for a reason, making your friend feel better and surprising them is reason enough. Who knows? You may just brighten their whole outlook and turn their day around.
30. Help with regular every day tasks. When I am sick sometimes I am overwhelmed with the every day jobs or errands that I no longer have energy for. One of the best gifts I have gotten is when friends or family have offered to help me for 1 hour to do anything. Just having company helped make the time pass and helped encourage me to do the jobs I probably couldn’t do before. For example, in the change of seasons going through clothes or straightening your closets can be a daunting task, but if you help while your sick friend lays on the bed, then you can get the job done, feel organized and talk too.
31. Bring over a warm fuzzy blanket to nap with. Something cuddly always cheers anyone up. And even if you think the person you are visiting has a lot of blankets, there is something special about the one you are going to bring- it is new, and it is from you!
32. Don’t forget the standard bouquet of flowers to brighten up the room, especially if you know someone loves flowers. Wild flowers in the spring cost nothing but can lighten a heavy heart more than a room full of roses.
33. MOST IMPORTANT THING OF ALL!!!! Take the time to research exactly what your friend is going through. It's so much easier on us to not have to explain every little thing we have to do and why it is necessary. By doing the research and understanding you are showing us you care enough to know what is going on in our world.
34. Sounds silly—but just ask! Ask what you can do to help, or if they need anything.
35. Last but not the least important is to show your friend and loved one that you are there for them, through the good days and even more so through the bad days.
Here's the link to the Chronic Pain Sufferers United Support Group on Facebook:
Something New
Yesterday, I had an appointment with my primary doctor to discuss weight loss options. I had gained a little over 30 pounds while on Lyrica a few years ago. Since then I have gained ten more to make me a whopping 207. How depressing. I really hate being this heavy even though people tell me I'm not fat. Yeah, ok. It's okay to say I'm fat because I know I am. Exercise is not an option. No matter what kind of activity I try to do I get an exertion migraine which lasts for at least two days. I did a gluten free diet for two months and didn't lose any weight. I did a green smoothie fast for two weeks and lost three pounds. I'm at a loss. Yes, I comfort eat when I'm feeling hurt and overwhelmed and yes I'm sedentary most of the time because of the daily pain. But that doesn't mean that I'm not trying on my good days.
I knew that I needed help and was reluctant at first to email my doctor about it because I didn't want to look like I wanted to lose weight the lazy way. I finally gave in and made an appointment. She was looking at me possibly taking phentermine but there could be an interaction with the wellbutrin that I take for my depression. She was all set to write the prescription but wanted to check my breathing. My heart rate was very rapid - 119 bpm. Because of that the phentermine was a no go. So she had me do an EEG which confirmed my fast heart rate. Now she wants to check my thyroid for hyperthyroidism and for me to continue to check my pulse. An hour ago it was 111 bpm. I wonder if it's from the Abilify that I just started to take about two weeks ago. I go back in the morning for the blood work and I need to let my doctor know how my heart rate is. If it's still high then she'll order an EKG to check my valves to make sure they're ok. Never a dull moment I say.
As for the weight loss, she wants me to cut out all carbohydrates for two weeks and to keep my calorie intake at 1200 a day. She also referred me to a nutritionist. So, I'm not sure how I'm going to lose this weight. I guess I have to be really diligent and committed. I'll continue with my green smoothies and possibly add meal replacement shakes for dinner. It looks like I'll be spending the rest of my week trying not to cave and eat something sinfully delicious. After dinner I was craving something sweet and chocolatey but I opted for some sliced peaches, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries and strawberries. It definitely hit the sugar spot and squashed that craving. This isn't going to be easy but I'm going to try my hardest. I even managed to do some upper body exercises with this new contraption my husband bought, the Tower Express by Body by Jake. You can get fit by doing the exercises that come with it for just 7 minutes a day. It's staring at me all day as it's on my bathroom door so there's no excuse for me not to take 7 minutes out of my day to do those exercises. My flabby arms could definitely use it!
Red alert: That glass of wine at lunch may hurt | CanadianBusiness.com
Should You Drive with Migraine?
If we lived in a perfect world we would never find ourselves behing the steering wheel during a migraine attack. However, that isn't always avoidable. Migraines can come on while out running errands, going to or leaving work, attending functions, etc. So how do we handle this situation? Especially if there isn't anyone to drive for us? I know from personal experience that if an attack happens while I'm out and I'm driving, many things become harder to do. Migraines affects concentration, vision gets blurry, and our motor skills become comprimised. So what to do? Pull over or keep driving? What if an abortive was taken? What do we do then? Tthe following article helps to answer those questions.
2011: The War on Women
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Quotes about Pain and Overcoming by Dawn Michelle Shepley
Borrowed from a group I'm a member of on Facebook - Positively In Pain created by Dawn Michelle Shepley.
These quotes about pain explain what can be an inspirational interpretation or a worldly view. Not all pain is bad if it leads to new beginnings but pain that can't be relieved can be one of the most troublesome and personally challenging to endure. "Constant pain is the most debilitating of any injury and mental pain can frind you to the bottom of the pit.